We have an innate drive to communicate with others, yet we struggle to do so each and every day. Think about that. Why is it so hard to talk to those around us? If it is an innate desire, why doesn't it just come naturally? Communication can come in four ways:
- Verbal
- Non-verbal
- Written
- Visual
Learning how to effectively communicate in any form, is highly important. A study researching the most common way people communicate to others found that 14% of communication is through words, 35% is through tone, and 51% is non-verbal, and of course, written and visual communication are also evident in daily life, but were not apart of the study.
So what does this mean, is this good or bad? Honestly, I can not answer that question for you. All I know is that, personally, I think verbal communication should have a higher percentage. It is sad that verbal communication is only 14%.
Being able to communicate, in the right way, is important in your education, your career, your relationships, and especially, your family and marital relationships. You all know what part of communication I am going to focus on. You guessed it, family/ marital relationships and communication.
First and foremost, verbal communication is absolutely, 100% important in any marital relationship. There will be moments in your marriage, and any relationship really, where you will disagree with your significant other. I want to share something I learned this week that is not natural, but "supernatural". :) This will help you to communicate most effectively. It is called The Five Secrets, they are as follows.
1. Use the disarming technique
- don't be defensive
- focus on the kernel of truth. Whoever you are communicating with might be saying things you disagree with, but find something they are saying that is true. It might be small, but it is still truth.
2. Express Empathy
- Express empathy to your significant other both through thoughts and through feelings. You might ask, why thoughts? If you aren't thinking positively or lovingly about your significant other, how can you show you care when you are communicating? You can't. I know it is hard. I struggle with this when communicating with people too, but I have learned from experience, that not having empathy or not seeing their point of view won't further the communication--it will halt it.
3. Inquiry
- "Did I get that right?" When you are communicating with someone, especially your significant other, ask them if you are understanding what they are saying correctly. DO NOT ask in a sarcastic or demeaning manner. Ask in love and pure want for understanding, if what you are perceiving they are saying is correct.
4. I Feel Statement
- Use this statement when you describe how you are feeling.
- when: statement/event happened
- I feel/felt: this emotion
- because: thoughts
- I would like: hopes, desires, etc.
5. Stroking
- express admiration and appreciation, love and care are very important
The 5 Secrets might sound weird or unnatural, but it is proven to help improve communication. I cannot stress enough how important this is. When asked, 65% of people said that communication problems were the main cause of their divorce. 65%!! Please think about how you are communicating. What form of communication do you use the most, how can you improve, what is best for you and your relationship's well-being? If you are having communication problems with someone, talk to them about it. Communicate. It will be hard, there will be disagreement, but use the 5 Secrets and talk to them with love. I think we will all be surprised at the results.
We need to communicate so clearly, not so we can be understood, but so we can't be mis-understood.
~Karlie
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