Everybody knows that divorce is horrible and life changing, but it is hard to really understand divorce without experiencing it; it isn't something someone should want to experience either. Divorce affects everyone-- the wife, husband, kids, parents, siblings, employers, friends. After such a life altering event, how do you recover?
First, lets go over the top 3 reasons people file for divorce,
they are:
1. Infidelity
2. Money
3. Lack of communication
I think that a part of divorce, is that in your heart, you want to make it work, but something inside of you feels you can not. Trust is lost, commitment decreases, and relying on each other is no longer a desire.
On this blog, I have already discussed infidelity, money, and how to effectively communicate, so I hope you AT LEAST know how to avoid error in these three things. COMMUNICATION IS KEY. I cannot stress enough how big a role communication has in dealing with marital issues and arguments.
Once the divorce is final and the family system is altered, what do you do?
When kids are involved, I think it is important to find your new normal and create a loving, nurturing atmosphere. It is hard for the kids to realize what is happening-- their lives have been turned upside down and they didn't even see it coming. From my own experience as a child who had to learn how to cope with a major crack in the family system, I benefited so much from the loving environment my mom created. She was struggling and she was in pain just as much, and even more then we were, but she put on a face and was always by our sides.
Recently, I read a case study where after the divorce, the mother and father (now in separate homes) would say rude or degrading things about their ex-spouse. They would say these things in front of their children. Please do not do this. Feelings of confusion of not knowing who is right and who is wrong will overwhelm them. They don't need to hear these things about either of their parents--no matter who did what. It is still their mother and their father, whom the child should love.
I think the most important thing is to be there for each other. You are each others' support system and you work together to help each other.
More adjustments come along as one (or both) of the parents remarry. Even more adjustments arise if the new parent has kids of their own.
Guidelines for Blending Families:
-- Accept that it will take at least two or more years to achieve normality
-- Establish that the biological parent does all the heavy discipline
-- The step parent should be similar to a fantastic aunt or uncle
-- Parents should council together behind closed doors
It will take a while to adjust to this new life-- for both the parents and the kids. By the time marriage takes place, the new family should have known each other for a little, but it is still new in the fact that they will be living together. To the kids, it is foreign, someone other than mom or dad is now living with them.
The step parent shouldn't allow him/her to be walked all over, but the biological parent does the heavy discipline for their child(ren). This is hard for a lot of people to understand, but it is the best and the most loving way to achieve a authoritarian atmosphere.
The step parent should be like a really good aunt or uncle? What does that mean?
Qualities of a great aunt/uncle:
- encouraging
- expresses love
- joyful
- great wisdom
- gives wise counsel
- takes child in, loves, wants to keep
- accepting
- warm
These qualities listed above should be in this new parent. Be someone they want to talk to and be nurturing and loving. Discipline is necessary (that is the right thing to do), but don't become their enemy, show them you care. THAT IS IMPORTANT.
The new couple should counsel together behind closed doors. This should happen more than EVER before. Everything is so new so it is important to discuss everything with each other. So the step parent feels involved in the big parenting decisions, counsel together about the discipline of the child and what they think they should do. The step parent still is involved, but the biological parent is delivering their decision.
Blended families don't have to be failures; they can be some of the best families you will ever meet. Divorce is sad and it is so very hard, but it is not a sin... it is not something that should be used to shame someone.
Be kind. Life is hard, we do not know everything that everyone is going through. Work hard to preserve your family system and cherish every moment you share together. Families, in all different types, are what make this life worth it.
be happy:)
~karlie
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